Having a 2nd made me fall in love with my 1st all over again
Before Logan was born, I had some serious concerns about adding a second child into the mix. I was scared about the usual things – that Nora wouldn’t like him or would start to act out really bad, that two kids in the house was too much for Zoe, that it would be too much for Bay and I, that I’d have divided attention so neither kid would feel important… all that normal anxiety.
But more than anything, I was terrified of losing Nora. I was scared that I would lose this super special connection I have with her. That I’d have to split my heart in two, and that she wouldn’t be this singular amazing thing anymore. I was scared that I wouldn’t have time to be with her anymore, and that I’d miss more and more of her growing up. I already felt like I was failing her as a mother by letting her be raised by daycares and being tired all the time from the pregnancy – I couldn’t even imagine how much worse that would get when there was a baby around.
When Logan was born, the first thing I thought about was Nora. I thought about how much she was going to love him and wondered what she was doing at that moment. I was sad she wasn’t with me for that moment in my life (but also glad she wasn’t). I started looking so forward to the moment that she would meet her baby brother.
As I waited for Bay to bring Nora into my room, I was so nervous. Would I look at her differently? Would I love her differently? Would she feel weird? Would things be awkward?
The moment she walked into the room, my heart swelled. All I saw when I looked at her was the love of my life finally coming to meet this new thing we were going to have to deal with together. As she held her new baby brother in her arms, she looked up at me and smiled. That’s when I finally felt good about having a second child. It took me a little bit of time to really love Logan, but at that moment, once she accepted him, I finally accepted him.
Yes, things are definitely more difficult now. Nora gets less attention and I have to give a lot of my energy to this little guy. But my love for Nora has only grown as I see her turn into a big sister. She is so empathetic and loving towards him. She is proud to show him off to her friends and protective when they try to touch him. She desperately wants to share her interests with him and is so tolerant of his crying and high needs. I’ve started to see this wonderful little person emerge that is someone I’m really proud of.
We all know life will be harder and different when we add a second kid, but I was stunned by the way my love for my first changed. Her as a big sister is a beautiful thing.